PLEASE SELECT
YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT.

Your application has been received. Unfortunately, we have no record of your application.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Access to a read-only Discord recruitment lobby featuring corporate propaganda and automated HR notices.
2. Your application remains indefinitely pending.
3. No meaningful additional benefits. Corporate exploitation, properly implemented.

Congratulations! Your lack of qualifications makes you an ideal candidate.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Employee Onboarding Dossier: downloadable PDF featuring fictional tax documents, employee handbook excerpts and corporate history.
2. Employee ID Card: personalized printable badge with an assigned employee number and QR code.
3. Expendable Labour Recognition: optional digital employee-registry listing and possible game credit, where feasible.

Your probationary period has been extended indefinitely.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Internal Incident Reports: monthly development updates disguised as workplace investigations.
2. Mandatory Training: quarterly satirical training materials and quizzes.
3. HR Complaint Department: submit fictional workplace complaints; selected submissions may feature in future publications.

Your continued employment demonstrates a concerning lack of ambition.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Quarterly Performance Review: printable certificate of barely adequate performance, signed by the Board.
2. Confidential Development Memos: early access to selected devlogs, concept art and development updates.
3. Internal Document Leaks: downloadable fictional company documents, artwork and employee propaganda.

You now supervise twelve imaginary employees. None respect you.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Supervisory Voting Privileges: advisory community polls on fictional policies and creative directions.
2. Red Flag Recruitment Program: submit one absurd applicant red flag each quarter for possible inclusion in After Careful Consideration.
3. Supervisory Credentials: personalized digital nameplate and printable promotion certificate.

You have mastered the art of attending meetings without contributing anything.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Executive Business Card: personalized digital business card with your ridiculous title and employee number.
2. Nepotism Hire Program: submit an absurd corporate-character concept for possible selection and development.
3. Corporate Lanyard: one mailed branded lanyard after three successful monthly payments, subject to published eligibility and shipping rules.

Your new responsibility is ensuring nobody discovers what happened to the pension fund.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Executive Hiring Mandates: propose absurd recruitment rules for possible inclusion in After Careful Consideration.
2. Executive Washroom Credits: recognition in the executive supporter directory, with optional game credit if released.
3. Corporate Mug: one mailed branded mug after three successful monthly payments, subject to published eligibility and shipping rules.

Following an extensive internal investigation, the Board has decided to blame you for everything.

PERSONNEL BENEFITS // ISSUED UPON ELIGIBILITY

1. Physical Severance Package: mailed fictional HR envelope containing a fake T4, fictional NDA, termination letter and inexpensive corporate swag; delivery terms to be published.
2. Unindicted Co-Conspirator Status: premium supporter designation and prominent game credit if released.
3. Personal Corporate Scandal: custom digital disciplinary dossier explaining the fictional events behind your termination.